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Pain. What Else Am I Good For?
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| I'm Gonna Cry. God Damnit |
[14 Sep 2004|09:45am] |
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mood |
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 content |
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Man. The Kinison show is tonight, and I doubt i'll be able to go now.
I have the money and everything, but like i don't have a ride, and i haven't thought of a way to convince my dad to let me go.
This blows. I was so looking forward to this show too.
I'm just gonna go and cry god damnit.
<3
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| What? Almost Done. # 12 |
[30 Aug 2004|09:56am] |
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My last post in this journal shall be made tomorrow. HA!
Heh, Roses are my favorite flowers
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| I Think This Is #11. Fuck, I've Been Out. |
[29 Aug 2004|04:48pm] |
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Man, this weekend was GAY!
So much for having a fun weekend. Oh well.
Uhm yaaaaa. School thing tomorrow. Kinda looking forward to it, and then again, i'm not. I'm sure many people hate me now cuz of that whole thing. Hmmm....ya.
I think i'm not going to talk as much this year cuz idk I need to focus on school cuz I think I know what I want to do with my life, and I really need to do well in school. So yaaaaa.
And yes, I do like Blink 182, Jake.
I miss people. :(
Aaron is GAY!!!!! HAHAHAHA!
JESSI, I LOVE U!
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| And Reading These Words Only Makes It Harder - Finale Post # 10 |
[26 Aug 2004|05:17pm] |
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Man, I fail at everything.
I'm a bad daughter, bad gf, bad friend, bad sister, bad everything. Sheesh. Realizing the truth hurts.
Well, my weekend is screwed up. I'm going to be alone. Once again.
I tried asking my mom if I could stay with her, but she was being all weird cuz her bf has to help his mom move to Linda Vista. Which I don't see as too big of a deal cuz I could always hang out with Chris and Robert. W/e.
I keep reading things that I shouldnt read (no one knows what i'm talking about) and it just hurts even more. I think I should just cut out my heart and donate it or something. Hell, I don't really need it.
I'm going to run away and move to alaska so then i'll get to have penguins who will "fly" back here to get me mexican food. YAY! I'll get to live in an igloo. HAHA!
<3's
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| I See Your Shadows In My Dreams - Finale Post # 9 |
[25 Aug 2004|01:32pm] |
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Well, i've got a couple days left til I go. Exciting.
I've been losing a lot of sleep.
I keep having this dream about my cousin commiting suicide in front of me. It's really scary. I just hope that it doesn't come true.
Uhm...ya. I'm hyper right now. Sugar highs are weird. I hate when it fades cuz then I go back to being sad. Shame shame.
My aunt is the coolest. I was gonna go to her little party thing, cuz she was gonna give me shots of tequilla when no one was looking, but I decided not to go. I already spent most of yesterday with her, which was cool. Everyone should check out the Sic N Crazy catalouge (idk how to spell it) cuz you all should wear their sexy clothes. I do cuz I'm hot like that. lol. Nah, i'm just supporting my uncle's clothing brand, even though it's like biker stuff. It's so nifty. I can't wait til i'm 18, so I can help them out with their biker party thing. They get to play a certain type of Strip Poker, only they dont get naked...other people are. Lol. Sounds like a party.
<3's to Jessi
PS: My new lj is BrokenIn13Ways. I'm too lazy to add everyone right now.
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| Waiting For Death To Take Me - Finale Post # 8 |
[23 Aug 2004|12:39pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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Alright, i'm almost through with this shit. Like only 5 more to go.
I've never felt so much doubt, confusion and worthlessness. I'm talking to my friend about it. I don't believe any of it.
Maybe my time is up. Maybe I experienced everything I was supposed to. Maybe hearts were broken like this on purpose, because if it is my time to go, then wouldn't he feel less pain now that we have grown so far apart? I still feel so attached, and yet, I have no idea what to say to him now. I can't tell him that I still dream of him, or that I still think about him night and day. I don't want to feel such rejection anymore.
I still think about moving away. It's like part of me wants to go, and the other half can't. It's like I have to be here for some reason, even though I have no idea what it could be. All my old reasons for staying are slowly slipping away. I mean, if you think about it, everything I once had is pretty much almost gone.
I lost the one person I ever truly cared for and now he barely even talks to me. He told me that I was a different person and the girl he fell in love with died. Well maybe I should move away and stop all this hurting once and for all.
You would all be better off without me.
So long, farewell.
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| Alright Kids - Finale Post # 7 |
[22 Aug 2004|09:22pm] |
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Alright, so far the only people who love me (and want to be added) are:
Kitty
Jessi
Jess
Aryka
Desi
Gene
and Cyndia of course!
<3's to you guys.... STILL COMMENT HERE IF YOU WANT TO BE ADDED.
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| What The Hell?! - Finale Post #6 |
[22 Aug 2004|01:38pm] |
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God damnit. I hate you guys. Just playing.
Well I already got a new journal, so I'm almost ready to say good bye to this one. Comment if you want me to add you to my other list.
<3's
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| Squirrely Wrath...oops sorry. Got carried away. Finale Post # 5 |
[21 Aug 2004|09:14pm] |
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1._What do you like about me?
2._What's your fondest memory of me?
3._Do You Love Me?
4._Would you hug me?kiss me?
5._If I died...What would you say about me?
6._If I was gone would you notice?
7._What is my best feature to you?
8._Am i a nice person? or a bitch?
9._Are you gonna put this in your lj to see what I say about you?
I stole this from Gene cuz he's hot like that.
<3's
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| stole this from xmeant2livex Finale Post # 4 |
[21 Aug 2004|05:54pm] |
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Full Name: Courtney Danielle Heath
Nicknames: Court, Dani
Age: 15
Sex: Female
Single Or Taken: single now
Current location: San Diego..
Date of Birth: February 7, 1989
Astrological Sign: i'm Aquarius bitches!
Place of Birth: San Diego
Where Do You Live: San Diego. DER
Who Do You Live With: Dad and my lil sister
Parents' Names: Dennis & Sara
Siblings' Names: Sydney, Margaret, Vinny and well Matt sorta
What Elementary School Did You Go To: Cadman
What Middle School Did You Go To: Marston
What High School Do You Go To: Clairemont
SKIN DEEP:
Ethnicity: white and 1/8 mexican lol
Hair Color: It's like lightish brown but I want to die it.
Eye Color: blue
Height: 5'4 or something like that
Glasses Or Contacts: BOTH
Piercings (if none, would you?): I have one ear pierced cuz semetry is overrated and my bellybutton. YAY
Tattoos (if none, would you?): none..yet....im gonna get like 5
Shoe Size: 8
LAST...
Thing youve eaten: cookie yay
Person You've Called: Aaron or Jose
Person That's Called You: Aaron or my mom?
Person You've IM-ed: Robert & Randy
Person You've emailed: Jake & Kitty
Movie You Saw In the Theater, and With Who: AVP w/ my sister and Dad
Movie You Rented: Eurotrip....kinda...i didnt rent it but ya
TV Show You've Watched: Fairly Odd Parents
Thing You Did With Your Family: I don't spend time with them...
Thing You Did With Your Friends: Hung out with Jessi and decorated her house for her brother's bday!
Thing You've Bought: A soda
Time You Cried: like 2 days ago...idk
Time You Laughed: 2 minutes ago.
Time You Fell: idk. I fall all the time
Time You Swam: like forever. I dont like swimming.
Time You Showered: like..today..?
Person You've Shared A Drink With: Myself
Song You've Had Stuck In Your Head: Happy Tree Friends themesong...?
Song You've Downloaded: idk. Probably Underoath or something like that.
Person You've Kissed: Jake
Person You've Hugged: my sister.
OPPOSITE SEX:
What Do You Notice First: eyes
Turn Ons: a great sense of humor..caring..and just a wonderful personality..oh, and maybe a good build too ;)
Turn Offs: non-caring, too much immautrity, quick tempers
Ideal Eye Color: blue
Ideal Hair Color: hmm..i perfer bald guys ;) But hair color dont matter to me..
Ideal Height: taller than me..
HAVE YOU EVER...?:
Fallen In Love: Yes
Made Out With Someone: Yes
Gotten Drunk: Yes...
Done Drugs: no
Smoked: ya
Gone To A Party: ya
Been Completely Intoxicated: hmmm....let me get back to you on that....
Woken Up With A Hangover: no
Wanted Someone You Couldn't Have: Yes
Wished on A Shooting Star: no
Taken A Vow Of Silence: no
Cheated On A Test: yes. who hasnt?
Cried After Watching A Commercial: no...freaks....
Had Your Heart Broken: yes
Broke Someone Else's Heart: ya :(
Had A Job: yes
Cooked A Full Meal For Guests: no
Laughed, And Couldn't Stop: yes
Pulled An All-Nighter: yes
Been To An Exotic Place: no
Been Swept Away By A Current: i dont think so...idk
Been On A Freefall Ride: no
Made The Wrong Decision On Purpose: No...i dont think so...
Broken Something Out Of Anger Or Sadness: No
Hurt Yourself Out Of Anger Or Sadness: ........yes.....
Cussed Someone Out: Ya
Bungee-Jumped: no way
Broke the Law: hmm..ya...more than once...
Kept A Secret From Everyone: yes
Been Rejected: well kinda
Rejected Someone: yes....today...kinda...
Regretted Doing Something: Ya alot
Regretted Not Doing Something: yes
DO...
You Have a Crush on Someone: I'll never tell
You Wish You Could Live Somewhere Else: Sometimes
You Think About Suicide: sometimes...
You Find Yourself Attractive: sometimes
You Drink: not alot
You Do Drugs: no
You Smoke: not anymore
You Like House-Cleaning: ha! Hell no!
Save AIM/MSN Conversations: sometimes. Very rarely.
Wish You Were A Member Of The Opposite Sex: no...
Ever Cry Because of What Someone Said: Ya all the time
WHAT / WHERE / WHO:
Kind of Shampoo Do You Use: Dove
Soap Do You Use: dude idk...it smells really good tho...
Are You Most Scared of: spiders and heights.
Do You Want To Get Married: yes
Do You Want To Live: Idk anymore
Do You Want To Have Your Honeymoon: Alaska. That would be so rad.
Makes You Laugh the Most: my friends.
Makes You Smile: my friends and adam lazzara cuz hes so hot... *drools*
Easiest to Talk to: Kitty
THIS OR THAT:
Me or You: you
Cold or Hot: cold
Pool or Hot Tub: hot tub
Shower or Bath: shower
On or Off: on
Open or Closed: open
Water or Tea: water
Fruit or Vegetables: fruit
TV or Movie: movie
Radio or CD: cd
Baseball or Soccer: i hate sports
Football or Basketball: i hate sports
Cash or Check: cash
Blonde or Brunette: brunette
Hug or Kiss: hugs. I love them!
Ocean or Lake or Pool: ocean
Florida or San Jose: San Jose
Spring or Fall: fall
Day or Night: night
Dr. Pepper or Root Beer: Dr. Pepper bitches!
7UP or Sprite: idk 7up is all time
Smoothie or Juice: Smoothie
Lace or Satin: satin
Flowers or Candy: flowers
Scruff or Clean Shaven: idk...i kinda like scruff
Tall or Short: Tall
FOR OR AGAINST:
Long Distance Relationships: against. I doubt they work
Using Someone: against
Suicide: idk...both?
Killing People: against
Smoking: against
Doing Drugs: against
Premarital Sex: for...sometimes...depends....
Driving Drunk: against
Gay/Lesbian Relationships:FOR!!!!
NUMBER...
Of Times youve Had Your Heart Broken: well...once....but it was just ya....
Of Continents YOUve Lived In: 1
Of CD's That You Own: well over 30
Of Scars on Your Body: More than 13.....
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| You Wanna Do Me A Favor? - Finale Post # 3 |
[21 Aug 2004|03:12pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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Today was a waste.
I was supposed to see someone that I really wanted to see, but once again, it did not work out. Like every other time. It never works out.
I'm waiting for the right opportunity for this, but I don't want to do it alone.
I hate every fuckin person in my family (well most of them) I hope they all burn cuz I can't take them and they're shit anymore. GRRRRR! So much anger.
I would take two bullets to the chest to remember, and one to the head to forget.
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| Finale Post #2 |
[19 Aug 2004|09:35pm] |
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mood |
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mellow |
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Sheesh. How many more entries to go? Eleven.
School's almost here.
My dad is really sick of me and wants to send me away to my moms house for like 2 weeks. That should be weird. Idk. It's like half of me wants to go and the other half doesn't. Hmmmm. Desicions, desicions. Idk if that's how you spell it but oh well.
I've decided to try and learn how to read and write in Japanese, Korean and maybe Chinese. Hmmm. That should be interesting.
I watch waaaaay too much of the international channel. HAHA. Jessi knows how much I love that shit. I was watching like Japanese music videos today. It was great. I'm totally into it. Lol.
Well i'm in an ok mood for now, so ttyl.
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| Alright You Guys- Finale Post #1 |
[19 Aug 2004|01:29pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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Well ya, I stayed in bed til like 12. I got 12 fuckin hours of sleep man. This is how I want to spend my summer I suppose...sleeping. This way, i'll just avoid thinking and avoid hurting. My heart has gone pffffft. I'm not sure if I should talk about it in here, but there's something I really need to tell Jake and i'm way too afraid to say it in person. I guess i'm just afraid of crying in front of him, even though he's already seen it. I know that it's probably not what he wants to hear, but my heart needs to get it out. I'm trying to follow my heart and I can't take it. I'm not sure what to do.
I think i'm going to get another journal and only let a couple of people read it cuz i'm not sure if I want everyone reading all this personal shit that I need to get out.
Damnit, well, I really have been thinking about moving. Maybe staying here will hurt me too much. I don't know what I should do. I want to be here for everyone, but my one reason for staying is kinda gone. And it hurts to know that this is all true.
I can't take this anymore.
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| I didn't think I would end up so confused... |
[07 Jul 2004|04:10pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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Went to Warped Tour. It was fuckin awesome. I got a TBS t-shirt. Fuck Ya!
Highlights (in no order):
- Seeing Jake and talking to him even though I thought I was going to like break down and cry because i'm "emo"
- Seeing TBS, Stretch Armstrong, SOTY, Bits of Flogging Molly, Bits of Yellowcard (unfortunatly), Part of Early November, Thursday, Coheed & Cambria, and some other band that I saw with Robert.
- Meeting TBS and getting autographs
- GETTING A FUCKIN HUG FROM ADAM L. OF TBS!!!!!!
- Getting hit a lot
- Getting hit in the nose by Aaron
- Seeing Katie W. for the first time in like forever!
- Seeing Jessica, Robert, Taylor, Samm, Jake R and W, other people.
Today: I hung out with Abby and Jake afterschool. Eh idk I was like happy and sad at the same time. Me and Jake were like close....I guess. It sucks because I totally want to be with him and idk if he wants to so ya..........................I'm an idiot...........................
I'm gonna try and see Atreyu and Finch at Soma so ya hopefully I can see them or at least see one of them. Jessi, call me later and tell me if you think you can go.
Much Love,
Courtney
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| So fuckin happy i cant fucking type |
[08 Apr 2004|10:45am] |
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mood |
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 So Fuckin Happy!!! |
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Well last night was the greatest night of my life. It was fucking great! But I think my mom was suspicious of something. And so was my sister....why the hell do they always think I did something bad?!
Ya, well when I got home to my dad's he like noticed how happy I was and he like tried to make me feel bad. It's like he wants me to be depressed. But I was way too happy to be pissed off by him.
I couldn't sleep at all. I wish my mom would've let me stay at Jake's house longer. I was so happy there, I'm always happy when i'm there w/ him.
But sigh, now I must return to doing chores so I can go out today because my dad is the devil and he wants the whole house cleaned or else he's gonna come get me from my moms if the house isn't "perfect"
I tell you, he always finds a way to make my life miserable.....
<3 Courtney
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